Vanitas Got Drunk
by Kitty-Kat-Gone-Bad
Summary: 'Tap some random numbers into your phone and see what happens.' It was a challenge is what it was, and that bastard damn-well knew Vanitas didn't run away from a challenge.
1. Drunk Dialing Olette

The alcohol was futzing with his brain, his vision was blurry. His arm (and the phone in it) felt so damn heavy. He knew, somewhere deep down in the recess of his mind, that he shouldn't do this. He knew it was a really bad idea, and that he would cop all the shit from this decision tomorrow (along with a goddamn awful headache) and yet, this knowledge didn't stop Vanitas from running his fingers over the touch screen, watching the random numbers turn green under his thumb then black again once he moved onto the next digit.

He pulled the phone up to his ear (with great effort), downed the rest of his drink and let the phone ring in his ear. It was that bastards fault really. What did he expect from something like this?

'Tap some random numbers into your phone and see what happens.' It was a challenge is what it was, and that bastard damn-well knew Vanitas didn't run away from a challenge.

The person on the other end didn't pick up however, so he got some girl's voice instead, telling him of an impending beep and that he should leave a message after it.

So Vanitas did.

"Okuh!" he slurred into the microphone. "Listen 'ear, Random Lady. I don't know you," a rather undignified belch crawled its way up and out of his throat, "and you most certainly don't know me. Plus…yer a cheek. Why?! Why would you wanna be a cheek anyway!? Oh well, I blame yur 'rents for that mistake! But if yur were a spud…my, my we'd get lucky, wouldn't we. I know we would! wanna know how I know we would?"

Vanitas waited for the voice to respond, standing in the middle of the sidewalk and tumbling a bit, his friends cackling around him.

"Fucking rude aren't ya!? 'Tis very impolite to ignore someone like that! But whatevs! We've known each other for all of five glorious seconds…I'll let it slide. I'm a nice person like that. But the reason you and I would go together just as great as chocolate and popcorny is-" there was a beep in his ear, which caused Vanitas to yelp , turn and throw his phone with tremendous force for someone so drunk at the brick wall to his right.

"The phone screamed at me! DEMON!"


	2. Drunk Dialing Sora

He heard his friends cackling around him, felt their own drunk bodies leaning on his, laughing his ear. Then slowly, surely, Vanitas realised what he had done, screwed up his face and collapsed to the pavement, laughing along with them. He clutched his sides, his breath leaving him in the form of the rawkus sound.

"Okay, okay! Vanitas you have to do the next one! You're the best at them!" So another phone was shoved into his hand (reluctantly of course, but that guy drew the short straw) and Vanitas once again tapped out a random number onto the screen, held the phone to his ear and waited for someone to pick up.

He got the answering machine again.

"Fucking hat! Why is nobody home tonight? Out playing bingo I s'ppose." He scratched his head and waited for the beep that signalled he could start talking. It sounded in his ear, his friends heard it also, but Vanitas was suddenly crouching down and looking very intently at something between his knees.

"Oh my fuck! GAIS! 'TIS A LEEDYBURG! LEEDYBURG!" He put his hand down on the pavement and let the little black and red beetle crawl onto his finger.

"Imma naame you Petula! Petula is such a pritty name! You like that Petula! You like it don't you?"

Vanitas' friends were covering their sniggers around him, trying not to let the innuendo get to them too much.

"You like it when I call you Petula! Pritty pritty Petula! With the round beehind and the smooth, bug like skin! You so pritty Petula!"

The phone beeped, Vanitas yelped and stared horrified at the device that had suddenly appeared in his hand, forgetting the lady bug that had flown off half way through his speech anyway.

"Why are there so many Tobi's around?!"


	3. Drunk Dialing Sora Again

After stumbling a bit more, calling out profanities to the city and skarfing down some more beers, the gang found themselves at the park. The night made everything look dark and dismal, the previous fallen rain making everything wet and cold to sit on; though half of them didn't notice and sat down anyway.

Then Vanitas had a wave of inspiration.

"Hey GAIS! We should totally order some cake or something. I know this grake place that haz duh must amazink cwasonts!"

His friends all agreed with him, having had nothing but peanuts for most of the night, finding their stomachs empty and wanting something to soak up the toxins inside of them. Luckily, Vanitas had his pastry chef on speed-dial.

But no self-respecting pastry chef was awake at one am, so it was only logic that Vanitas would once again get the answering machine. Sadly, this time it didn't register to him.

"Hey Sozzy! How's mah main pastry?" Silence.

"C'mon! I dudn't do anythink in a looooooong time!" Some more silence.

"Well fahn! Be a fucking measel! Don't talk to meh!" Vanitas screwed up his nose at the Sora that wasn't there, his voice taking on the tone of a five year old.

"But just so you know, I was gonna order some delicious cahks from you…and then eat them off your nipples!"

A few lights in the surrounding houses suddenly became a lit due to the sudden burst of rowdy sounds coming from the park, the boys finding Vanitas' new-found attraction to his baker very funny.

"Thas raght! I sed et!" He continued to speak into the phone, the timer having run out only a few seconds ago. "And I regregt nosing! Yah hawt, Sora! Got that! H-U-T. HAWT! I wanna tie a cherry stem in a knot with your red licerish tongue and then eat freckles off your freckles, hump yur brains out and dibble chocolate sauce on your pen-" it was then that the police sirens registered in Vanitas' drunk hazed mind, realising quickly that him and his friends weren't the only gang in the park. Without thinking about their lack of coordination, they all bolted for the gate.


	4. Drunk Dialing Ventus

Running while drunk was a bad idea and Vanitas cursed inwardly whoever had invented the concept. The gang had split during the frenzy, leaving Vanitas with only a few of his friends around, running around the corner and down to the subway station, that was abandoned at this time of night.

All of them collapsed half hazardously on benches, one stumbling over to the bin to wretch up his night's work of booze. While the three of them sat there in silence, their heavy breathing echoing through the tunnels, Vanitas drunken mind went back over his previous call. He remembered what he had said, the images it brought to mind, and then suddenly decided: sex would be really god right about now.

It was a common thing for Vanitas to get horny after taking a few shots, the more he took, the hornier he became. So it seemed to Vanitas, that because of the amount of alcohol he had induced that night, that he shouldn't settle for anyone but his top pick when it came to situations like this.

With that, he slammed in the number he had long ago remembered off by heart.

"Hey this is crazy! You just called me! You know my number! So leave a message please!" Vanitas almost barfed at Ventus' cheesy tone, cursing him also because now that song would be stuck in his head for the rest of the night.

"Okay Venny, juss so ya know, this is a buddy call…buffy call…BOOTY CALL!" He laughed a little, feeling triumphant for remembering the phrase.

"I wants to have sex with your tight, virginal ass! Right here! Right now! I think you'd be so fantastic in bed, what with your little but up in duh air and me just fucking it so herd. Your moans would be pretty delicious too. Plus, I've been dying for a while now to lick your nipples, and hey, I'll even let you blow me!"

A subway came down the tracks, unbeknownst to Vanitas, drowning out the rest of his call.

"So, listen, why don't you call MEh when YU get the chance! And we can have some good ol' cowboy, rodeo, yee-haww fun! K? K!" He went to hang up, before deciding to add on:

"Oh and case you didn't know because your stoopud like dat, that was a hint that I want you to rahd mah duck!" He then went to hang up, but only pressed empty space on the touch screen, realising the call had timed out already.

Vanitas glared at the phone.

"Jay! You're phone is possessed! It's looking at me fahnny!" But Vanitas glared back at the bunny wallpaper, intent on winning the staring contest with the demon bunny before he had to give the phone back.


	5. Drunk Dialing Another Vanitas

Vanitas ended up losing that staring contest. He fell alseep before the phone did, crawling up under the subway bench and dozing off for a few hours. When he awoke, it was almost four am, and sad to say, Vanitas was still extremely hammered. The phone in his hand kept giving him an annoying message that claimed it had 20% battery left (the one on the apple products that keep popping up no matter how many times you press the friggin' 'okay' button). The phone was dying.

Vanitas quickly unlocked it and tapped a number in, the first one that came to mind in situations like these. The ringing sounded extra loud in his ear this early in the morning and especially when he had just woken up from a pretty strong nap.  
When he finally got the answering machine, Vanitas did what every dignified man did when he was drunk, lost and had a dying phone in his hand; he burst into tears.

"VANITAS! YA GOTTA HELP MEH! THE PHONE! ITS DYING!" his sniffles sounded throughout the empty subway station, his friend next to him jostling a bit at the sudden yell of pain.

"I don't know what to do! The phone, man!" he lowered his voice to a harsh whipser, as if what he was saying was a secret that the entire nation's safety depended on.

"It's dying! If it dies, it'll be my fault! I mean," wiping away the drunken tears, Vanitas finally realised the throbbing headache that was making itself extremly apparent.

"I mean...fuck! Who turned up the blood pumping? Down, boy!" Vanitas nodded to his own chest, hoping that speaking to his heart would some how slow down the throbbing.

Then he remembered who he was talking to. Vanitas had enough sense to re-dial the number, waiting for the answering machine again and then started to speak.

"Hey I figured out why my heart was going so crazy, I mean, I am talking to you~" Vanitas fell over onto the cement in a fit of giggles, lying on his back and laughing his cares away to the cieling.

"You sexy beast you, what with the hair and the face and the eyes. You make mah heart go boom, boom, boom...boom, boom, boom, gotta get-get, boom boom boom now, boom boom pow!" More giggles left his mouth, and on some level, he couldn't believe he still remembered the lyrics to the horrid song.


End file.
